I woke up with a question in my head this morning.
Who am I?
And as I sit here looking out at the snow falling outside my window, the same question tumbles throughout my brain.
Who am I?
Am I the self-confident, outspoken, happy person that you see, or am I the quiet, introspective, almost painfully shy person who can sometimes be scared of their own shadow and noises that they hear in the night. Am I the devil-may-care, fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants person who believes that when they don’t even see a solution, there’s always another way out there, the non-believer of no-win scenarios, or am I the freak that believes that I’m not here for a reason, that the only purpose that I am to serve is to be other people’s punching bag… That I’m not supposed to find my ray of happiness, my dreams, that I’m not even supposed to be loved…
Who am I?
When I started on this journey of self-discovery in 2012, I thought I had lost everything. I had recently gotten divorced. (He had left me for a twenty-six-year-old…) I had lost the only man I had ever loved. My problem was that I couldn’t reconcile with the past that I had and that I was ashamed of, with the feelings that I had felt for him. I thought that the reason why he left me was that it was my fault. Everything was my fault. I thought foolishly, some might say, that if I just went by another name then all that past would be erased. It had been pretty much demanded that when writing, I go by that name. So, of course, I did what I was told. I came up with the name that you see on the blog. Then, that’s where everything got a little confusing.
I started to identify more with the name that I came up with, than my own. I admit my real name is kinda cool. It reflects my heritage in a way. And it’s not that common. It’s a name of a country in another language, a dead language I might add, but still it’s neat. We’ve had a couple of hurricanes with the same name, not very destructive. Not like Katrina, who took out one of my favorite cities in the U.S. that bitch!! But still, there it was… hurricanes that had my name on it.
I guess the problem that I had, was that I was so ashamed of my past, what I did, what I was forced to do, that I just wanted it all to be erased and not deal with it. And I thought by going with that other name, that I could erase it. But I’m realizing now, is that if I can’t admit to what I did, then I can’t heal and I’ll always be at odds with who I am…
So, here it goes…
My name is Erin Nicole McCormick. I write under the name of Rynne S. Harrison. I’m a divorced mother of one, and I was psychologically abused by my mother, then sexually abused by my ex-husband. I was forced to be a swinger by him. That means I was forced to have sex with other men while he was either watching or doing the same with another woman. I hated it. Mistakeningly, I thought that if I did this, it would make him happy, and that I could keep him. But even that was not enough. I hated myself for the longest time, and because of it and some other things, I’m now in therapy. I realized that he took advantage of a young woman’s naivety, and the guilt of those experiences no longer rests on my shoulders.
Am I ashamed that I did it, you may ask. Yeah, I’m ashamed. I’m sick inside that I did this, that I was made to do it. However, I believe that I can also learn from it, as well. When I write, I take my experiences and turn them into something beautiful, something that if I ever find the right person, I would love to have. Will he ever get his, might be another question. Yeah, I believe he will. In the end, he will, I firmly believe that.
Who am I?
I’m both. The outspoken woman and the scared little girl, the impulsive, happy person and the painfully shy individual. Yes, I have a past, but that does not define me anymore. I’ve let it go. It’s now about what I do, that defines me. I’m a mother, a friend, a writer, an individual. Whatever name you choose to call me is fine. Professionally, my name is Rynne. Personally, my name is Erin. I might have my name legally changed. I don’t know what my future holds, but I do know one thing. I am me.